My Forgotten Shadow
by R. Scott
Summary: You really love her, don't you?...Course I do. She's mine. You never were...5 years after rescue, Kate finds Sawyer with surprising company. After his life has taken this tragic and dramatic turn, do they know each other at all anymore?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hope you enjoy this. This chapter is really just a prologue...all will be explained in due course. This is my first LOST story- I have always wanted to write one as it was this particular show that lead me to Fanfiction in the first place. Tell me what you think, and if I should continue. Thanks :o)

* * *

The day was blindingly sunny, which was unusual in two ways. September usually brought the cold; along with obvious painful memories that naturally came around this time of year. Six years it had been. Those images never ceased to haunt him. 

The other strange factor about it being sunny was that he'd always assumed that this day would be miserable, mirroring the dull depression that was currently worming through his veins, along with what could only be described as sheer terror. But if he was being honest with himself, which was rare…this day was something so odd and foreign to him that it felt like some kind of dream. He ran a shaking hand through his hair, furious at himself for feeling like this, participating in an event in a strange world he'd never once dreamed of entering.

He looked at the girl before him, who was oblivious to the panic that was currently ruling him. She was sat cross legged on side walk picking at clumps of grass beside her with a look of immeasurable concentration on her face. She'd managed to tie her blond hair in to a messy pony tale on her own, and he'd actually made an effort in cleaning her up this morning, dressing her in denim overalls, a red shirt and a brand new pair of converse trainers that she had already refused to take off, swearing by God she'd sleep in them. She'd only owned them for two days and already he could see the sole beginning to peel off.

He glanced at his watch again and peered down the road, nothing but trees running along side it. There was no sign of any traffic.

"You got everything, Clem?" he asked without looking at her, knowing perfectly well that she _did_ have everything as he'd checked several times already.

"_Yes_." She sighed, crawling up from the ground to stand beside him. She shrugged so her backpack was high on her shoulders, then leaned against his leg, her small head resting just above his knee.

"You sure?" he asked needlessly.

"I am_ sure_…" she said dramatically, staring up at the sky. She was apparently bored out of her mind. Shouldn't she be terrified too? Even more so than himself, surely? "When's the bus gonna be here?"

He sighed.

"Soon Clem, it'll be here real soon."

He quickly checked his watch again. Any minute.

"What was _your_ first day o' school like?" she said suddenly, craning her neck in order to stare up at him. He finally looked into her wide eyes, her face the picture of pure childlike innocence.

He didn't know how to answer her. He'd been lucky enough so far that most of the answers to her endless questions just came naturally. Instinctively. He figured that this was what it must be like for any father. The fact that he actually was one…a _real_ one…still had the power to chill him to his core.

The truth was, anything before he turned eight was just a blur. Someone else's life. Some other kid who lived happily for a while before turning into the guy that he saw in the mirror every day. Couldn't he just lie to her? _My first day of school, well sweetheart, it was the best day o' my life's what it was._

Yet he'd never been able to bring himself to lie to her. Not once. And he was proud of that.

"My first day of school…" he said, images of his mother and the scent of her perfume flashing before him a moment. "Well I don't rightly remember, Clem. Remember my last day though…" He smiled fondly, "That one had to have gone down in the history books."

"Whatcha do?" she said, grinning cheekily as she prepared for one of his scandalous stories. He laughed at her.

"I aint tellin _you. _You wanna get expelled your first day?"

She huffed, but tried to flatten her hair out as the possibility of expulsion evidently crossed her mind

Suddenly there was a low roar coming from the horizon. Both their heads snapped towards it, and finally the bus came into view. Clementine let out a small gasp as the sun bounced off it's yellow hood and Sawyer felt her small hand slip into his. He let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, his own terror returning three fold. And it wasn't fear that he had felt before…it was brand new. Unreal.

"Daddy…" he suddenly heard a murmur from beside him.

He looked at her. At last he saw her shining eyes glimmer with fright, her bottom lip starting to tremble. It broke his heart.

"Hey.." he said, swallowing down an irritating lump in his throat. He crouched down to her level and held on to her arms. "You gonna be good?"

She nodded vigorously, glancing at the approaching bus over his shoulder. She shuffled on her feet, the grip she had on her lunch box causing her tiny little knuckles to turn white. He ruffled her hair and this gesture managed to get a small smile out of her.

"And I'll be here…right here…at 3 o'clock, alright?"

"O.K." She breathed. The bus was getting closer.

"Look at me, Clem." He said, trying to smile but finding he couldn't. How could he let her set foot on that dark, horrific vehicle full of animals? He just wanted to snatch her up and take her back home. She belonged to him and him alone.

And as soon as she left him standing here, he would lose her. She'd grow up. And then what would be left of him? Back where he started. Alone.

He stared at her tiny little face, convincing himself that the grim future was years away.

"You...you are gonna be fine, O.K?" He told her. Told himself.

She nodded again as the shadow of the bus towered over them both, the hissing breaks making her jump slightly. She stared up at it in awe as the doors slid open.

Sawyer was almost knocked back when Clementine suddenly leaped into his arms, clutching him in a tight, fearful grip.

"Come on…" he murmured, random, meaningless words of comfort that came from absolutely nowhere. Instinct. "It'll be fine. You'll have a blast…"

He could tell she was trying so hard not to cry, even though he couldn't see her face. And he was so shocked by the intensity of the love he felt for her in that moment, he felt sick.

As she pulled away, he cupped her face in his hands.

"You knock 'em dead." he said, his voice scratching his throat.

"I surely _will_." She said, smiling at him and swallowing down her fear. She was braver than he'd ever been. How the hell had he managed to bring her up to be…_perfect_? Did all fathers think that their kids were perfect? Well they were wrong, that was for damn sure.

"You gettin' on little lady?"

Sawyer gave a wary glance at the red headed woman sat at the wheel, the turned back to face his daughter.

"See you later, Darlin'." He said, this particular term of endearment causing her to grin.

She nodded, then turned away and took her first step onto the bus.

"I love ya." She called as the doors closed. Sawyer felt his heart clench in his chest as he always did when she said those words. It seamed he couldn't find the energy or will to speak as he watched her walk along for a few moments before finding a seat by the window, and she waved at him.

The engine roared again, and the bus began to pull away. Clementine waved frantically at him, starting to genuinely smile as the obvious sense of adventure claimed her. It always did. He held his hand up to wave back, suddenly feeling like he was forgetting something.

"I…" he began, her face starting to reach out of his vision.

He yelled over the engine.

"I love you too!"

The roars of the bus slowly began to die, and he kept his eye on it's yellow body until it had completely vanished from his sight. Even then, he stood there for a long moment, alone, staring at the horizon. Lost in his thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews :o) Here's the next installment.

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The sight was enough to make her gasp out loud. 

She was stupid enough in her state of complete shock to blame the month-_September_. Was it simply a coincidence that it was this month of all the months that she would be passing through Tennessee? A coincidence that she would see him? Of all people? Memories came crashing down upon her like a ferocious tide, each wave more blistering and powerful than the first. She blinked rapidly, still not quite believing what she was seeing in front of her.

She stared long and hard at him as he paced along the sidewalk, oblivious to her presence amongst the trees behind him. He kept glancing at his watch, then at the road, occasionally running a hand through his sandy hair, still long and wild. This was who he was in the real world; a light stubble ran along his jaw, his jeans were still old and faded, a crumpled brown leather jacket hung loosely around his torso, ending below his waist.

Even from her distance, Kate could see the dark, haunting shadows on his face that had come with age. Yet he was still achingly handsome.

He glanced at his watch again, an anxious look in in his eye.

Kate couldn't escape the feeling that he looked like a stranger to her. Yet she was consumed by an overpowering urge to say something to him. Oh God, it was him, just standing there, _him_. So approachable, in touching distance. The thought was enough to send a shiver through her already trembling body.

But what could she possibly say to him now, after it had been over five years? She could hardly tell him that she'd missed him- she'd only just realised how much. _Me? Oh well, I go by the name of Joanna now, and the cops aren't too fussed about me, but I still feel the constant need to run across the states. _It wouldn't surprise her that, if she did say that, he'd probably understand on some level- even now he was the only man in her life that seemed to see straight through her.

For the first time since spotting him on the sidewalk, she actually wondered what he was doing there…he looked terribly nervous, more so than she'd ever seen before in fact. She'd only seen glimpses of it…back in the cages…an internal agony that seemed to consume him.

He was stood at the bus stop, she suddenly realised.

That decided it for her. If he stepped onto the next bus, what would be the chances of her _ever_ seeing him again? She ran her hands down her face, quickly scanning her mind for all possible disastrous outcomes. She could think of thousands but somehow they simply refused to register.

Before she even knew it, her heels were clacking along the pavement towards him. No going back now. She pulled her black coat tighter around her, the sky startlingly bright against the harsh wind.

He still hadn't spotted her. The road was completely empty, only a spot at the end of the road signaling the approaching bus. Tall, dark trees ran along side the tarmac past the horizon. There wasn't a single soul around. Just the lonely sign that read 'Bus Stop', beside it an even lonelier man. And, of course, herself.

She let out a breath.

"Sawyer?"

His head snapped almost violently towards her, and the look on his face was, at first, terrifying. His eyes widened as he took her in, a dull rage burning behind them. He couldn't stop his jaw from hanging open. She'd expected the anger, but what she was staring at now was much stronger. Fear.

The two of them just stood there staring at each other in a deadly silence that seemed to last for hours. Sawyer still hadn't uttered a word- he just stared at her as though she was a ghost…returned from the land of the dead.

Suddenly his head turned back toward the road, and he spotted the bus slowly coming towards it's destination. Pressing his palms to his face, he let out a breath that startled her.

"Hey." He finally said in a tired, scratchy voice. The confidence in him which she fondly remembered seemed to have completely vanished.

She tried to offer him a smile, unsure what to say next. It didn't really matter, she'd convinced herself. He'd be on that bus soon, zooming out of her life once more. For good this time.

"Umm…how are you?" she stuttered like an idiot.

He looked at her like she was mad, again running his sweaty palms over his face and through his hair, a sure sign of unstoppable nerves. He glanced once more at the approaching bus, the fear in his eyes slowly increasing the closer it got.

"You in a hurry?" she asked, desperate for him to say something more than just a heartless grunt.

He looked up at the sky, the swiftly back down to the ground. She'd never seen him like this before…so jumpy, so afraid.

"Shit…" he breathed, almost silently.

He turned to face her, a look of near _pain_ on his face.

"What the hell are you doin' here, Freckles?"

Although slightly taken aback, she allowed a sly smile on her face. He was in there somewhere…somewhere inside this stranger.

"I was just passing through," she said, as he once more turned his head to face the bus. Desperate to be out of her presence. She felt a sharp shock of pain at that thought- but what the hell had she been expecting? That he'd grab her and…and _kiss _her? Was that what she wanted?

"What are the chances, huh?" she continued, trying to lighten the staggering tension between the two of them. He could only offer her another agonized look, which grew even more alarming as the bus finally pulled up.

A school bus.

"You should go." Sawyer said suddenly, desperately. Kate's eyes widened.

"What?" she asked, in genuine confusion. She glanced once more at the school bus, her head simply unable to match things up.

Sawyer stared at her, his eyes screaming.

"_Please_." He said through clenched teeth.

Kate stared at him in awe.

"Who are you?" she whispered.

"Hey!"

Kate's attention was diverted to a messy young girl who had almost fallen off the bus. She was adorably messy- hair like straw, sticking out all over the place, overalls that needed repairs, shoes that were falling apart. She was sporting a huge toothy grin, allowing small giggles to escape her mouth as she ran along the sidewalk towards them.

Towards Sawyer.

Kate's mind seemed to drain of all thought, leaving only white noise as she tried to process the events unfolding before her.

As the bus drove away, Sawyer looked down at the ground miserably before turning to face the child with open arms. The girl leaped into them, squealing as he lifted her off the ground. As he spun her around, Kate couldn't mistake the pure joy radiating from him; yet he was trying desperately to hide it from her, closing his eyes and burying his face into the child's shoulders.

"Oh boy,_wow!_" The girl was saying, her grin infectious as Sawyer was now smiling fondly at her, holding her on his waist effortlessly. "I had the best day, there was all these other kids, they ain't half as smart as me though, they can't even read, but they's all real nice to me, they showed me all round, and there's this one kid, Jessie, she's real pretty and she got brown curly hair…"

Kate swallowed, staring at them, the resemblance between the two of them uncanny.

But it was impossible.

Sawyer let out a bark like laugh before looking at the girl more seriously.

"So you did good, huh?" he asked in a quiet voice, trying his best to avoid Kate.

"You bet I sure did! Dunno why you was so scared Daddy it was so _fun_-"

"I weren't _scared_, I was worried. There's a difference, ya know." Sawyer sighed, staring up at the sky.

Then he finally locked eyes with Kate.

She didn't know what to say. There was just one word ringing over and over again in her head.

Daddy.

"Hi!"

The girl stuck out her hand, startling Kate. Sawyer looked away, agonised.

Kate let out a shaky breath before offering the child a strained smile.

"Hi there…" she said, her voice trembling. She felt an unrecognisable pain in the pit of her stomach. "What's your name?"

Kate chanced another glance at Sawyer, who was looking at her almost apologetically.

"Clementine." The girl said, grinning. "Who the hell are you?"

"_Clem!_" Sawyer hissed at her in fury. Kate let out a small laugh, blocking out her pain for a moment.

"I'm Kate…" she replied, shaking Clementine's grubby hand. She swallowed as the entire situation finally hit home, her eyes burning.

He was a father. A _father_. The kid was clearly born before she'd ever met him…how could he have kept it to himself? How could he have not told her? That he had a _baby_ while they were stranded on that rock? She felt so many things at once- pain, pity, confusion. Anger.

She looked at Sawyer, eyes blazing.

"Never told me you had a kid." She said quietly. Sawyer glared at her for a moment, before looking back at the girl in his arms.

"Wanna go get some food?" he asked her.

"Yes please!" she replied, her southern drawl as strong as her father's.

"Alrighty then." He said, hoisting the girl higher up onto his shoulders, much to her jubilation.

As he began to walk away, Clementine shrieking delightedly, he faced Kate.

"You comin' Freckles?"

Kate blinked back a tear, the only answer to his question coming after a period of tense silence.

"Sure."


	3. Chapter 3 : Sawyer

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews you lot.

This chapter will be told in two parts. This is Sawyer's POV, the following chapter will be Kate's. These chapters contain strong language.

Hope you enjoy :o)

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_He felt a lot of things. Fear, most prominently of course, along with a sickness he had only known once before, when he'd stood on the beach and waited for her to come and say goodbye to him. And she never did. That crushing, deadening feeling in the pit of your stomach that just makes you want to retch._

_He paced along the blinding, white corridors with a steely darkness in his eyes, a terrible fire somewhere in his heart, a longing that he didn't even know he had inside him._

_Please. Oh God no._

_He kept his eyes on the man in front of him, leading him through this maze, trying to avoid any eyes that might be on him. He felt like the whole world was watching him, each step agony, this walk of shame. It wasn't real. How could it be real?_

_The man ahead of him suddenly came to a halt._

"_Right through here Mr. Ford" He said. Sawyer hated him the moment he opened his mouth. Smarmy. Irritatingly handsome. Sickeningly smart. _

_Sawyer simply glared at him and followed him through the door._

_He was met by the body. Not in it's entirety…just the shape. The black bag. The sight was enough to make him want to run._

_He was unaware that he was trembling._

_The man reached over to the top of the bag and took hold of the zipper. Before opening it, he closed his eyes, then glanced back up at Sawyer._

"_Are you-"_

"_Just open the damn bag." Sawyer hissed, clenching both his hands into fists, staring intently at the bag before him._

_The body._

_The man nodded gravely, and began to pull the zipper. And for a moment, for a split second, Sawyer was convinced that they'd made a mistake. That it was all wrong, that this was some kind of strange dream, some nightmare. Everything was all twisted and wrong…it'd be O.K. It had to be O.K._

_Then he saw her._

_There was a long moment of silence between the two men stood in the room._

"_Is it her, Mr. Ford?"the man asked him, slowly, quietly. _

_Sawyer didn't hear him. It seemed he'd forgotten how to speak. Staring into her eyes…those cold, dead eyes. Just like he remembered them being, when he watched her walk out the door, when he ran, just ran for his life. Back then, lifetimes ago, he'd been slipping away and he'd done whatever it took to climb back into his skin. One day…he'd see her again, he knew. One day, he'd tell her. He was sorry._

_Was he sorry?_

"_Mr. Ford?"_

_Too late now._

"_Is this Cassidy Phillips, Mr Ford?"_

_Eyes still locked on hers, he found the will to speak. His voice shaking._

"_Yeah. It's her."_

* * *

"You ain't gonna eat all that, kiddo." 

"I_ will!_ " Clementine gasped, outraged "Course I will!"

Sawyer laughed shortly at her, stealing a spoonful of the enormous banana split she'd just ordered. He glanced at the door of the bathroom.

She was still in there.

He swallowed

"If you eat all o' that…" Sawyer drawled, tearing his eyes away from the door of the ladies to grin at his daughter. "I'll give you 10 whole dollars."

Clementine gaped at him, then glanced back down at her meal, judging it.

"Ten_ whole_ dollars?" she said, skeptical.

"Yup. You got it. You finish that…" He pulled out a crisp ten dollar bill from his wallet and placed it on the table. "It's yours."

Clementine, never one to turn down a bet, least of all from her father, grinned challengingly at him.

Oh Christ. He made a vow then and there to keep her the hell away from Vegas. She was what, six? And already understood the concept of gambling?

"Deal." She said, grabbing hold of the spoon and shoving in as much as she could chew.

Sawyer could only run his hand through his hair and smile at her hopelessly.

And then, suddenly, like a dream, Kate finally walked out of the bathroom.

It was like he was seeing her for the first time all over again. Even then she'd…_done _something to him. Changed him, maybe. Looking back now, he was surprised at how God damn easy it was with her. The only one in his life who'd ever made it easy. _Shit_, looking at her now as she approached the counter, he remembered that mind numbing feeling, that…_love_ he had for her.

The only one.

And here she was.

Sawyer looked back at Clem, who was already struggling with her ice-cream, and felt a stab of pain in his chest. Because how could he possibly love anyone, _anyone,_ as much as he fucking loved this kid?

The only one that had ever come remotely close was sat three feet away, waiting for him to come and join her.

"You O.K there Clem?" he asked, as she shoved down another spoonful of chocolate goop.

She nodded, unable to speak, a ring of cream around her lips.

He ruffled her hair, then walked over to where Kate was sat.

He sat down slowly beside her, still not quite convinced she was actually here. It was as though two worlds, two impossible, life shattering worlds, had suddenly collided with a terrible crash. He'd almost dropped down dead when he saw her at that bus stop. That God damn bus stop.

He was aware suddenly that neither of them had spoken. He glanced at her from under his hair.

Christ she was beautiful.

"So it was her first day of school, huh?"

The first words she decided to use shocked him slightly. He kept his eye on the counter, swallowing.

"Yeah." He replied, his voice a little scratchy. He cleared his throat. "_Yeah._ She uh…it scared the hell outta me sendin' her off there. Thought I'd have to go in and…pull her down from a _tree_ or somthin'."

Kate laughed a little and in that moment they both looked into each others eyes.

They were strangers again.

Both their smiles vanished.

And now, after not being able to look at each other at all, they couldn't look away.

Kate's mouth began to move, but she struggled to get words out. Her eyes were shining, and something completely shattered inside of Sawyer.

"How…" Kate was saying, blinking rapidly. "_When?_ I didn't…you never said."

Sawyer glanced back over at his daughter, his head hurting.

"I never knew." He sighed. "Back then. I…she was just a…a part of a_con_. She wasn't real…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kate suddenly hissed, her eyes red "You didn't _know? _What do you mean?"

His head fell into his hands, elbows on the counter, and he let out a long, tired breath.

"Her Mom..." He began, not able to believe this was happening. That he was telling Kate- _Kate_- about his long forgotten past. That shadow in his life that, until five years ago, he chose to ignore. Someone else's story.

"Her Mom sent me to jail. We were shacked up for a few months…few months was all it took. Got 40 grand outta her."

"_Nice."_Kate spat, eyes narrowed. Sawyer simply glared at her.

"So she called the cops. Spent four months in jail. Got into a few fights, read a couple o' books…passin time.

"Then she shows up. Cass. And she tells me I got a kid."

Kate was silent for a moment.

"And_ then?_"

"I told her to get the hell outta there. Told her she…Clem…she weren't mine. She'd got it wrong. She _wasn't real_."

"Yeah, that figures." Kate said venomously "You were probably too busy reading your damn letter back then to bother about your own _kid."_

Sawyer only smirked cruelly at her, unable to recognise the aching pain in his chest at her words.

"Yeah. I was." He said "And I wanted her to get the hell away from me. Sent some cash her way. Got outta jail. Forgot about her. About them. I _ran away_." He glared at her. "You know how it is."

Kate swallowed and tore away from his penetrating gaze. Sawyer snarled, knowing his quip had hit her in the right place and unable to stop the guilt from squirming through his veins.

"And then, somehow, I wound up stranded on an island with a bunch o' wackos, a monster, and the most God damn beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on."

Kate looked back at him, eyes narrowed.

"Speakin' o' which, you heard from Claire lately?"

Kate smirked at him, and he grinned back, thankful that he was able to make her smile. Loving the fact that he was, somehow, through all this misery, able to evoke some form of happiness out of her.

He looked back over at Clementine. She was looking at her ice cream miserably, the bowel still half full. He saw her look at the money then reach again for her spoon.

"She'd like a mini _you_." Kate said, smiling at the girl. Sawyer smirked.

"Oh she's a whole lot better than _that._" He said "Don't have no idea how she turned out so God damn smart."

His expression softened.

"What happened James?" Kate said suddenly. He flinched, still, at the use of his name.

He sighed again.

"Got back home. Cass was…she was dead. Kid had nowhere to go."

"So you were forced to take her in?" Kate said softly, confusion furrowing her brow.

"Yeah."

"But…but you _love her_."

Sawyer looked back at her.

"I saw it." Kate continued "As soon as she stepped off that bus. You don't love her because you have to. You just do."

Sawyer swallowed, running a hand along his jaw.

"It's been five years. Five years o' me and her. She…"

He paused.

It had surprised him immensely how easily the truth had seemed to flow from him so far. Why the hell should he stop now?

"She's all I got."

He waited patiently for Kate's response.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she sighed, almost unheard. He was shocked to see a tear begin to fall from her eye.

And he didn't know what to say.

Suddenly, Clementine stood up and walked towards them, the bowl in her hands, a grin on her face.

The bowl was empty.

"See!" she said, reaching up over her head to place the bowel on the counter beside her father "I told ya!"

"Well I'll be damned." Sawyer laughed, scooping her up and placing her on his knee. "Well then kid, you sure as hell earned that there ten dollars. Shows me not to mess with you, huh?"

Clementine giggled, blissfully unaware of the chocolate that covered most of her face. She looked at Kate.

"He thought I weren't be able ta eat that whole split, but I did, I showed him!"

Kate laughed, discreetly wiping her eyes. Twisting Sawyer's heart.

"You sure did." She said. Sawyer swallowed down a lump that had suddenly formed in his throat.

Clementine smiled at Kate.

"You got real pretty hair, Miss." She said, trying to stop herself from yawning. Kate blushed.

"Thank you." She said, looking at Sawyer awkwardly.

Clementine yawned again.

"Home." Sawyer said with finality, lifting his daughter up. "You've had a long day, ain't cha."

She nodded, resting her head on his shoulders.

Sawyer glanced at Kate, unsure what to say. Come with me? _Don't leave, for the love of God, don't slip through my fingers again._

"Sorry 'bout this." He decided on, then felt like an idiot.

"It's O.K." She said. She sighed, smiled, and stood up "I always wondered what you'd be like in a real house. You seemed so at home under that tarp I wasn't sure if you could ever cope with _walls_."

He had no idea why she was being so nice to him.

He just thanked whatever God there was that he'd somehow found her again.


	4. Chapter 3 : Kate

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews, I'm glad you guys are enjoying this:o)

* * *

"_Charlie? Charlie? Has anyone seen him?"_

_Claire's voice was beginning to grate on her nerves, only adding to the mountain of emotion that was currently ruling her- fear, anxiety, guilt for some unknown reason. She could barely hear, barely think, the deafening sounds of the crowd hammering down through her skull, her limbs still aching from the trek back to the beach. What the hell was wrong with her?_

_She glanced at Claire again, running through the mass of hugging, crying people to the shore, staring out with tears in her eyes. Charlie…she could feel it. Somewhere, somehow. He wasn't coming back._

_She turned away, her head pounding, only to be met with the sight of Jack and Juliette, holding each other in tearful grips, their sobs matched by so many others. Sun and Jin, Sayid, Hurley, Desmond somewhere among them all, all crying out to some unknown, some force._

_She couldn't take it._

_The helicopters were closing in, yet they were still so far away. Coming to take her away._

_She felt like crying and was furious at herself for being so weak. When had she ever given in so easily? Never. _

_And then, as she turned her head in complete and utter hopelessness, she saw him. His eyes. Staring directly at her._

_She didn't know what to do. Run to him. Run away. Scream his name, over and over again, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…yet she wasn't sorry, what was there to be sorry for? Nothing, everything. All that could have been. Should have been._

_And looking at him now, she knew for sure. She'd known all along. How much he loved her._

_The darkness that had consumed his eyes over the past few days was suddenly replaced by something else. Something…penetrating. Terrifying. He looked as though he could fall apart any second. _

_She realised this must be James that she was seeing. That lost little boy who'd finally found a way to resurface, if only for a second. _

_It felt like the most important second of her life. _

_Slowly she walked towards him, not knowing what she could possibly say to him, but knowing the look on her face right now must be just as raw and painful as his. How could she possibly have such a horrific impact on one person?_

_But it wasn't just…just one person. It was the most important person. Something in the back of her head was screaming it at her, louder than the cries surrounding her, louder than the gale being thrust forward by the approaching helicopters, louder, even, than the thumping of her own heart._

_This was something important._

"_Saw-"_

_But she stopped as he forcefully grabbed her wrist, staring so meaningfully at her, so sadly. He placed something in her hand, something thin. Something important. And just looked at her. He never said a word. _

_His grip on her wrist was almost enough to make it snap. Like he never wanted to let her go._

_And in a flash, everything happened at once._

_The helicopters landed._

_Claire's scream shattered the crowd._

_And Sawyer was gone._

_Kate was left with only a crumpled, burnt old passport in her trembling fingers._

* * *

"Oh…" she sighed, her breath fogging the mirror before her. She let out another short, sharp series of breaths, tears stinging at her eyes, the desire not to breakdown slowly leaving her. Leaving her in a mess. 

She gave into the tears, staring at her broken reflection, sobbing over the sink.

"Oh_ God…_"

She was thankful that the bathroom in this tiny little diner was empty. She felt so foolish, so idiotic, so _angry_ at herself. The woman in the mirror before her wasn't her. It was this stupid little girl, stupid enough to think that she could salvage something that ended five years ago, something that, until today, she didn't even_ want _to save.

He should have been just a forgotten memory, lost among all the others. That guy she once knew, once loved. He wasn't part of her life anymore.

No. Not anymore. He had his own life.

It was Sawyer. With a _child._ The thought was enough to make her feel sick. How could he have moved on in just five years? How was it even possible?

The more questions she asked herself the more dead ends she was confronted by, most of them with just one, terrifying answer.

You love him.

Kate shut her eyes tightly, willing down the rest of her tears.

She needed to talk to him.

Running her sweaty hands down her face, she checked herself over, swallowed, and headed out of the door.

Sawyer was sat with the girl…his daughter…and she saw him place some money on the table beside her. He was grinning like an idiot, the love in his eyes like nothing she'd ever seen from him before. Not even when he looked at herself.

Trying hard not to shake, she sat at the counter. She was too numb to order anything. Too numb to breathe properly. Holy shit, how could he possibly have this effect on her after it had been five years?

It seemed like a lifetime ago.

And then, suddenly, he was sitting beside her. She could smell him…that distinctive scent, cigarettes and cologne. Leather. Spice.

She could feel her throat growing dry as the two of them simply sat there in silence. She saw him glance at her a couple of times, but Kate knew he wouldn't say anything. Still so guarded.

She swallowed down her fear.

"So it was her first day of school, huh?"

_What? Where the hell did that come from?_

He seamed shocked at this, unprepared, and she could see the confusion on his face.

"Yeah." He replied, and something in her was so pleased to hear his voice again. "_Yeah._ She uh…it scared the hell outta me sendin her off there. Thought I'd have to go in and…pull her down from a_ tree_ or somthin."

She smiled, imagining him doing exactly that. Thinking of the times he'd followed her into the jungle…protecting her.

The good old days.

Both their smiles vanished as they stared at each other, some sort of longing in his eyes. She felt like breaking down then and there, hating the fact that she had absolutely no idea what to say to him when it used to come so easy once upon a time.

"How…" she began, her eyes stinging "_When?_ I didn't…you never said."

She felt foolish, she couldn't even form a sentence. Sawyer glanced at Clementine, looking distraught.

"I never knew." He sighed. "Back then. I…she was just a…a part of a _con_. She wasn't real…"

Kate glared at him, anger suddenly surfacing from somewhere.

"What the hell are you talking about?" she hissed, "You didn't _know?_What do you mean?"

He looked tired. Miserable. So dark and strange…he was _impossibly different_. His head fell into his hands in exhaustion, and he avoided her eye.

"Her Mom…" he began, his voice low. "Her Mom sent me to jail. We were shacked up for a few months...few months was all it took. Got 40 grand outta her."

Her anger at him increased, as well as a mounting feeling of disgust.

Hadn't changed that much then.

"_Nice."_ Kate spat, narrowing her eyes at him. He held her gaze, his eyes dark.

"So she called the cops." He continued, "Spent for months in jail. Got into a few fights, read a couple o' books…passin time.

"Then she shows up. Cass. And she tells me I got a kid."

Cass. The Mom. Kate was mortified by the stab of jealousy she felt, which added to the sickness she was trying to ignore.

She was now desperate to hear the rest. Cass…was she just another in a long, long line? Had he loved her?

"And_ then?_" she said.

"I told her to get the hell outta there. Told her she…Clem…she weren't mine. She'd got it wrong. She _wasn't real_."

She wasn't surprised. Yet her anger at him, at this whole impossible situation, increased.

"Yeah, that figures." she said venomously "You were probably too busy reading your damn letter back then to bother about your own _kid."_

Sawyer simply smirked at her, yet there was a flash of hurt in his eyes. She was too angry to feel guilty.

"Yeah. I was." He said "And I wanted her to get the hell away from me. Sent some cash her way. Got outta jail. Forgot about her. About them. I _ran away_. You know how it is."

Now it was her turn to feel hurt. She looked away from him, finding it harder and harder to look into his eyes yet see someone else.

"And then, somehow, I wound up stranded on an island with a bunch o' wackos, a monster, and the most God damn beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on."

Kate looked back at him, eyes narrowed, wondering where this was going. Irritated by the chill down her spine at his words.

"Speakin o' which, you heard from Claire lately?"

She smiled, genuinely, convinced again that it was actually happening. When he grinned back she saw flashes of their former life, of what was, of what could have been.

It hit her again, hard, how much she'd missed him.

He looked back over at Clementine. Kate followed his gaze and finally looked at the girl for the first time. The dimples when she smiled, her piercing blue eyes. The tone of her voice, her sheer _cheek_.

"She'd like a mini _you_." Kate said, smiling at the girl. Sawyer smirked.

"Oh she's a whole lot better than _that._" He said. There was complete adoration in his voice. "Don't have no idea how she turned out so God damn smart."

His expression softened, and Kate sighed, staring at him. There was only one other person that she knew that could evoke such an expression from him. And it was herself.

"What happened James?"

She saw him wince slightly. _James._

"Got back home. Cass was…she was dead. Kid had nowhere to go." He sounded somewhat regretful.

She was dead. The thought of how she died briefly fluttered across her mind, before leaving her with the rest of the story. Something wasn't right. Something didn't make sense.

"So you were forced to take her in?" Kate said softly, confusion furrowing her brow.

"Yeah."

"But…but you _love her_."

Sawyer looked back at her. He looked confused, and for a moment Kate wondered why she'd said it. It was so blindingly obvious, why should she have to point it out to him?

"I saw it." She continued "As soon as she stepped off that bus. You don't love her because you have to. You just do."

Sawyer swallowed, running a hand along his jaw.

"It's been five years. Five years o' me and her. She…"

He paused. Kate waited in tense silence and she somehow forgot how to breathe.

"She's all I got."

_You've got me._

The thought terrified her. Partly because, even though she knew it was impossible, it was true. It was enough to tighten her throat and wet her eyes again. She couldn't remember crying this much in one day before. It irritated her, but the dull ache in her body was all she could feel in that moment.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she sighed, almost unheard. She didn't bother wiping her tears this time. She didn't care if he saw, he'd already seen her at her worst. She wondered what he'd say…but he remained silent.

Suddenly, Kate saw Clementine walk towards them, an empty bowl in her hands. The look of pride on her face was adorable.

"See!" she said, reaching up over her head to place the bowl on the counter beside her father "I told ya!"

"Well I'll be damned." Sawyer laughed, scooping her up and placing her on his knee. The image did nothing to stop Kate's pain."Well then kid, you sure as hell earned that there ten dollars. Shows me not to mess with you, huh?"

Clementine giggled, then caught Kate's eye.

Kate was slightly taken aback, her father's looks even more striking up close.

"He thought I weren't be able ta eat that whole split, but I did, I showed him!"

The comment made Kate laugh.

"You sure did." She said, her voice shaking slightly. She'd never been good with kids. And this wasn't just any kid. It was Sawyer's daughter.

Clementine smiled at Kate, her dimples showing, her eyelids drooping.

"You got real pretty hair, Miss." She said, stifling a yawn. Kate could feel herself turning red.

"Thank you." She said, not knowing what else to say. She looked to Sawyer, who now glanced at his daughter with slight concern as she let out another long yawn

"Home." he said with finality, lifting his daughter up. "You've had a long day, ain'cha."

She nodded, resting her head on his shoulders.

And then he looked at Kate. Like he wanted to scream something at her. She felt like he was looking into her head, seeing things that no one else could see, not even herself sometimes.

And the thought suddenly dawned on her as she realised, with horror, he was leaving.

_You can't leave me._

"Sorry 'bout this." He said finally, glancing at Clementine awkwardly, before staring back at her. There was some kind of pleading on his face.

And she knew that she couldn't go. Not now.

_Not ever?_

"It's O.K." She said, banishing a tide of unwanted thoughts. She stood up, "I always wondered what you'd be like in a real house. You seemed so at home under that tarp I wasn't sure if you could ever cope with _walls_."

He smiled at her, surprised, thankful, then checked Clementine. Her eyes were fluttering closed.

Kate followed him out the door, unable to tear her eyes away from the girl in his arms.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Firstly, I am terribly sorry for the long wait for this chapter, which is in fact the final chapter. I only intended for this story to be short, and I am so grateful for all the support and kind reviews I've had whilst writing it.

Hope this is worth the wait.

Thanks again :o)

**This chapter contains strong language.**

* * *

**Chapter Five**

Denying her just this once their nightly ritual of a story, Sawyer had quickly sent his daughter to her bedroom when they arrived home, saying she'd had a long, tiring day.

They both had.

Clementine let out an impossibly wide yawn, reaching out wildly with her arms and her hands grasping air. She looked tiny, lost in the blue fabric of one of his t-shirts, and he yanked the duvet up closer towards her chin. The small glow of the lamp beside her bed bathed the two of them in a deep orange hue which made him feel tired himself. Once she settled, she looked up at him sleepily and he allowed a sleepy grin to appear on his face. Sitting on the edge of her bed, he realised how exhausted he actually was.

He took this moment, in all its rarity, to observe his daughter through untainted eyes. Eyes that hadn't been ruined by years of revenge seeking, of stealing, or cheating, or killing. He was just a guy, a father, saying goodnight to his daughter, and the more he focused on that thought, the more it could be true. The more he wanted it to be true. That life was really this blissfully simple.

But it wasn't was it? The woman sitting in the other room was proof of that.

Letting out a long sigh and forcing himself to banish Kate from his thoughts, he gently brushed his thumb over Clem's head, brushing a few stray hairs from her face. She smiled up at him, her eyes slowing closing, and he felt something almost painful in the pit of his stomach.

"Can you take me to the bus stop again tomorrow?" she suddenly said, shocking him slightly.

"You bet. I'll take you there every damn day till you're a hundred years old."

She giggled.

"A gazillion years old." She said, and reached her arms around his neck to pull him down for a hug.

"You know kiddo…" he suddenly found himself saying "Dunno what I'd do without you."

"Me too." She yawned, obviously not understanding the full seriousness of his statement, which didn't surprise him. As he pulled away, she yawned a quiet "Love ya." , which made him smile like it always did, and he replied with a "You too." before pressing a kiss to her forehead and standing up.

He felt his insides freeze all of a sudden. He didn't want to leave this room, this moment, this fantasy of domestic bliss that he hadn't even known until recently that it was all he wanted. He sure as hell never thought there would come a day when he would wish that Kate wasn't there.

But he was wishing it now. _Just leave, leave me alone, leave us alone._

Of course, all of those thoughts instantly vanished when he laid eyes on her.

As he stepped out of his daughter's room, he saw Kate stood awkwardly in the center of the living area, her coat and bag hung up by the door.

Here they were again. This situation was absurd, he thought. She was stood there in his tiny, pathetic excuse for an apartment, looking more stunning as every moment passed by, and he wondered what would happen now. He tried to tell himself he was a fool for even considering she might stay. Because she hadn't changed at all…she would always run, even when she didn't need to. He didn't know whether or not he liked the fact that he knew her so well, even now.

And a part of him didn't even want her to stay. A kid was one thing, but Clem was…she was tough. She could move from state to state, she could follow and cope with this life they had between them. They managed, somehow. They were codependent- they needed each other. Another presence would destroy it all, he knew. Even if that person was Kate.

It was just too complicated for them.

It didn't stop him from wanting it though. Wanting it more than anything; a family.

Once again, he'd turned into someone he didn't recognize anymore.

"Thanks for the passport by the way."

That was the first thing she said to him. It stunned him so much he almost couldn't think of a reply.

"Yeah…hows that workin' out for ya?"

She smiled. "Not too bad. Runnin's not so fun when there's no one chasing you though."

Only she could say something superbly twisted like that and he found himself smiling.

"Well…any time, Freckles." He said.

Kate nodded…then looked hesitant, like she was unsure why she was here, glancing from side to side and avoiding his gaze. She was waiting for him to say or do something, what he had no idea…and yet his next actions just came instinctively. A primal urge within him, something he had longed to do since he saw her earlier today.

That was today? It felt like lifetimes ago.

He strode forward and pulled her into a fierce embrace, burying his nose into her shoulder, her sent causing him to spiral through memories, good and bad, and in that one moment he remembered vividly every single reason why he'd fallen in love with her.

She let out a gasp, but soon hugged him back just as intensely, and he thought her heard her let out a small sob. He didn't think he could bear that anymore. He simply clung to her like it was the last time he could do so, which it probably was, and tried to shut down his head and simply indulge in her.

"Kate." He sighed, miserably. She gripped him tighter, and he pretended they weren't in his home, that Clem wasn't there, that they were stood once more beneath burnt wreckage and jungle, the tide crashing beside them, the sand warm beneath their feet.

"Oh God." She sighed, pulling away from him. He didn't want to let her go anymore.That had always been his problem with her…he'd never been able to just let her go.

Swiftly, she wiped away a few tears that had escaped and sucked in a breath as she pulled away from him. Not for the first time, he wished he could tell what she was thinking.

She glanced around the messy room, spotting drawings that Clem had done scattered across the floor, a few photos of her, of the two of them, a teddy bear, books, so many books old and new, because she could already read and hardly stopped.

Kate sighed and finally looked at him.

"You've changed so much." She said softly, shaking her head in wonder. "I mean…it's you. But it's not…it's not _you_."

She laughed at herself slightly and he had to smile at her.

"I thought…" she continued. "Back then. I never thought that what we had would…"

He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear this. But part of him wanted to scream at her to carry on, to just tell him the truth.

"I kept telling myself…it's never going to work between us. It never would have worked between us, there was just too much damage, too much chaos. And I look at you now and I can't help thinking…what if I'd just…_held on_?"

"Don't do this…" he said weakly, feeling a knot in his stomach. He'd voiced these questions thousands of times in his head and they sounded so much worse when she said them aloud.

She grabbed his hands.

"It hurts." She said bluntly, staring at him fiercely. "Knowing I could have had something _real _with you."

He let out a shaky breath and pulled away from her, stepping back.

He glared at her.

"It's different now." He said. What the hell was she doing do him? "_She's _my life now."

He remembered a time when he would have said the same about Kate herself. When he would have done anything for her…

She looked at him for a long moment before nodding, sadly.

"You really love her, don't you?"

His answer was immediate.

"'Course I do. She's mine. You never were. You were never _mine._"

She seemed shocked at this comment, and walked back over to where he was stood, placing a hand on his chest and stopping his heart.

"I meant what I said." She said in a small voice. She seemed so weak in that moment that it hurt him. "All those…_years _ago."

She glared at him meaningfully.

"I _meant it._"

He knew what she was talking about, and he was unsure whether or not he was glad she hadn't actually said the words. Maybe it was easier this way, that they parted on the terms they had done before, that they were left to continue their lives as if this whole sorry encounter had never occurred. Because they would part…she couldn't possibly stay, she wouldn't want to stay, and even if she _did_…

She seemed to read his thoughts after a long, awkward moment.

"I should leave." She sighed.

And then he found himself clinging onto her wrists, completely ignoring all the warning signs in his head, only paying attention to the fierce pounding of his heart.

"Where will you go?" he almost growled.

"I don't know." She said quietly. "I just…I need to leave- "

He cut her off with a kiss. He knew almost the exact instant that their lips collided he would end up regretting this, but he didn't care. It felt like this entire, fucked up day had been leading to this exact moment, this precise, terrifying sensation that was happening to him as he completely lost himself. He was kissing her with a violent passion he wasn't even aware he was capable of…it shocked him until he realised he hadn't been like this with anyone for so long, his life so utterly dedicated to his daughter. He hadn't felt this way since the last time he was with her, on the island…feeling as though he could tear down the entire jungle just to be able to feel her skin merge with his own, consumed with thoughts of her, this pure, undeniable _passion_ that existed between them.

The fact was, he loved her. He loved her just as painfully now as he had back then, and it was agony knowing that she was wrong…that they could_ never_ have something real. All this, it was just emotion, too destructive, too wild, and Clem…

He pulled away, and the two of them were left clinging, both their foreheads resting on one another, their breathing ragged. This was no life…this was just a short indulgence in ecstasy, something he knew couldn't last no matter how much he wanted it to.

He knew he had nothing to lose.

"I love you." He muttered quietly, knowing it to be so true, knowing that there'd never been anyone else, there never would be anyone else.

She let out a horrible sob then that he knew he would remember for as long as he lived.

She kissed him again…just like before, the first time, just as slow and wonderful, just like perfection…then pulled away.

"Goodbye James." She said.

She began to walk away and he only let go of her hand when she was completely out of reach. He watched her in a daze as she picked up her bag and sent him a meaningful look before opening the door to the apartment, ready to walk of the door and out of his twisted world.

There was no point in stopping her now.

"I'll…" she began. She couldn't tear her eyes away from his own and in that moment he tried desperately to memorize every single feature, every color in her eyes, every freckle on her face.

"I'll see you."

Then she left.

_Gone_.

All the air seemed to leave his lungs and he let out a strange noise, a breath, a groan, something like a sob, before breathing in through his nose like it was the last time he could do so.

He didn't even have time to regain rational thought before he heard small footsteps padding along the floor towards him.

"Daddy?"

She sounded sleepy, almost irritated, and sad. He turned to look at her and saw that her tiny little eyes were slightly red. He swallowed down the painful lump that had formed in his throat, his eyes blurry, his head hurting and everything around him seeming out of place, like he was on some kind of crazy drug trip.

"What's a matter?" he forced out, his voice hoarse, his hands trembling as he crouched down in front of her so he could look into her eyes.

She seemed guilty. "Can't sleep." She said, as though she'd committed some sort of crime

He barely heard her. In an almost dreamlike state, he picked her up and carried her back to her room, laying on the bed himself and simply holding her close, placing a few kisses on her head, whispering meaningless things that eventually sent her to sleep.

He held her there and just gazed into the darkness of her room, waiting to fall asleep, afraid that he might dream.

He clung to her like a lifeline, like it was the end of all things, like she was the only one left in the world.

Which she was. To him, she was the only person left.

She was all he had.

That was all he though until sleep finally claimed him.


End file.
